And the winner is.....

Mark Twain!

The story that follows is totally true for you the reader to experience and none other. Be warned....it may be shocking.

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Mark Twain vs. Ben Franklin: The Play by Play
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After paying a visit to a good friend of mine and promising to keep his child ..erm...labor problems on the DL Mr.Peabody gave me, the J1NX, the keys to his mystical wayback machine. With access to it I decided to have a little fun with history.

First stop 1776, the scene....signing of the Declaration of Independence. Bursting in like the Terminator after eating a bunch of bad Mexican food I walked heavily to the signature table and put my name down on the Doctrine of Awesomeness before turning my eyes to the awed townspeople. "Friends, romans, countrymen, lend me your strength. I need someone that is unafraid of a challenge. I challenge that could cost this country it's place in this war." I waited to let my words sink in and hoped they didn't realize I had stolen some of those lines from Shakespeare. "I have seen the future and I know what will be its undoing if you continue to sit on your asses. I know how the war will end and how the British will invade. If you supply me with one warm body for a few hours I will promise to provide you the information that will surely win you this war." All of the powder wigged men looked at each other in confusion and I began to sigh heavily as I caught the shape of a portly man making his way to the back of the room. "You sir! Thank you for volunteering. Your country thanks you for your sacrifice. What is your name sir?" Startled and slightly confused the room of people looked back to the balding gray mane and wooden walking stick. "My name, young man, is Benjamin Franklin and I abhor violence, but more so I abhor cowardice. I will go with you." A grin crossed my face and I wrapped my hand on the desk hard and grabbed the man by the arm. "Then let us be gone. Gentlemen.....be excellent to each other! Damn I always wanted to say that." With a flash we were gone and in a moment had arrived in front of a stately plantation manor. "Here is where it will get interesting. Franky, wait here."

I walked sternly to the porch and nodded lightly at the slaves that moved about around me shocked by my attire, but afraid to say anything about it because I am the master race at this time of life. Pointing at one of the boys in the yard I bellowed, "Boy! Fetch me your master so I might have a few words with him." He grunted with impatience and was off into the house. Moments later a man in a white suit with large eyebrows and a mustache came through the door. "What is it I can do for you sir?" I grinned at him widely. "I am J1NX and I bring to you a proposition. I will give you the name you have been looking for Mr. Twain. The perfect name for the boy in your book that will make it live on forever. In exchange I wish for you to do your best to kill this man out on your lawn." Looking past me at the colonial man that doddered about in the grass he chuckled. "How did you know I was missing a name and why do you wish that I slay the old buzzard?" I stepped back down the stairs from the porch towards Franklin and chuckled. "I can answer both of those questions with one statement, because I am your guardian angel and I know what hardships fall upon men. What good Christian man could disapprove of anything that your very own lord has sent to warn you about? The man has been doing evil and it is on you Mr. Twain to slay him." Twain rolled the thoughts around in him head and I saw that he was having a hard time with the BS I threw him about me being an angel so I gave him a minute and walked back over to Ben. "Mr. Franklin I have terrible news." Ben's eyes moved to me and gave me a questioning glance. "What seems to be the trouble young man?" Forcing a frown I stepped close to him. "That man over there is a sympathizer to King George and says that he refuses to give us the information we need in order to prepare for his arrival. He says the only way he'll give it up is if you face him in a duel. Do you accept?" Franklin looked past me at Twain and nodded while shouting back at Twain. "I hope you are well versed with pistols, for at dawn you will fall by my hand!" Twain was shocked and nodded gruffly. "Why the hell are we waiting till dawn? I'll get my pistols right now and see you by the lake in one hours time!" Franklin chuckled in mock disgust. "Leave it to a man with no loyalty to you such brash a thought as to duel now, but if you are looking to die so soon than I will be sure to greet you in one hour and in one week at your funeral." Both of them stormed in separate directions making their way to their respective areas.

Franklin and I had been standing by the lake for almost 45 minutes when Twain arrived carrying a pair of pistols, one in each hand. "Good, you aren't as yellow as you look." He retorted as he stared into Franklin's eyes. "We shall see what cowards are made of once you hand me my pistol, sir." Twain reached forward and handed the pistol to him and began walking back ten paces. Franklin swallowed hard realizing now what his words had gotten him. He turned and began pacing. Stepping back I watched the two men turn and Twain hesitated giving Franklin a moment to fire. As Ben's finger came down on the trigger nothing but a nearly inaudible click was heard. I raised a brow and watched as Twain fired two shots into Ben''s thick chest taking him off his feet. Nodding to me he retrieved his pistol from Franklin's body and walked to me. "You gave him an empty gun? Isn't that a little dishonest?" Mark turned back to Ben's body for a moment before beginning his trek back up the hill. "No more dishonest than lying about being an angel. Now, what is the name you said will make me famous? The name for the boy in my story?" I paused for a moment at the shrewd tactic. "The boy's name should be Leeroy. Leeroy Jenkins, trust me and you will go down in history." Twain hummed a bit as he left the scene and I smiled at Franklin's body.

"Sorry Ben, guess you weren't smart enough to outfox a southern boy. Oh well, who's next on the line up." Looking at my check list I mark through Ben Franklin and grinned at the next bit of infamy. Bob Vila and Santa Claus? Alright folks....I hope you know what kind of hell this may mean for us all." With a flash I was standing back in TheGamerBoards.com Lair of Doom. "One match down Darth! Next group is your go...I'm getting some beer."

Bob Vila vs. Santa

Snapping his fingers and poofing from the Lair of Doom I was standing at the set of some gay ass "construction site" of debauchery, and I do mean gay. Busting in on Vila I laughed at him and told him "put some pants on and get ready for the fight of your life". With Vila in tow I use my uber magic to take us back to the Lair of Doom's cage match site. Locking him in the cage I crack my knuckles and set off for the next contestant.

Looking for the nearest mall of fat chicks and midgets I found our next victim, i mean contender dressed in a shabby santa clause outfit. Smirking to myself i approached slowly and tossed him a cold one. "Hey Thornton, stop hitting on those fat chicks and get your shit together". Waiting a few moments for him to grab his sack of stolen goodies I whisk us off to the sound room for Toy Story 3.

Standing in front of Tim Allen I push a Santa outfit into his hands and looked at him sternly "put that on and meet us out front". Waiting with Thornton out front I prop myself up against a car and watch Allen walk out of the building and stand next to Thornton. "Its about damn time" I said as I port the three of us back to the cage match of awesomeness.

"I officially change this one on one into a three way match of doom within the confines of cage. The winner shall be the last man alive and continue on in the tournament of death. NOW, FIGHT!" I declared as the three man stood in the center of the ring. Stepping back through a portal i jumped myself back to the recliner to watch the fight.

The three of them looked each over slowly the out of nowhere Vila rushed Allen and tackled him to the floor. He started to pound his face with harsh blows as Thornton climbed up to the top of the cage and drank the beer I hand giving him. As quickly as it had started Allens face had been beaten into a bloody pulp and he was gasping for air clinging onto life. Finish his beer Thornton broke the bottle against the top of the cage and jumped of plunging the broken bottle into the back of Vila's head with a sickening thud. He then leaned down over Allen and spit the beer in his mouth into Allen's and stood over him as he slowly drowned on the liquid.

With Thornton standing as the winner of the three way i looked over at J!NX "now didnt i tell you that Thornton would be the winner of the match. Now i guess we can market the next match as Shrimp and Longneck night at the Lair of Doom.

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